My dear friends,
As I am in a vulnerable situation, being in a strange country and house afterall, I feel it is only proper that I be vulnerable with you in this blog post. I cried my first Rwandan tears last night. I had officially moved in with my host family, (Mama Consolee, Papa Olivia, little sister Kelia, little brother Kelly, little brother Kenney and little brother Kenneth) and was given a tour of the house. My room is very small. So small that the door can't even open all the way because the bed gets in the way. The bathroom is a hole in the ground in a little outhouse type protector, with the bathing room right beside it. However, that is not what made my eyes fill with water. Before dinner, mama Consolee and I were talking in the sitting room about anything that her English would allow her to say. She asked me if people in Canada had it as bad as people in Rwanda and my heart felt so guilty when I said that most of Canada is pretty well off. She proceeded to ask me what age I had to be to move out of my parents house. When I told her that you were welcome there until your parents had enough of you, she was shocked. It also shocked her that I am not dating anyone right now, as the age to get married in Rwanda is 21. "Marriage here is an obligation. If you are not married, you are laughed at." - Mama Consolee. I don't think I have ever actually realized just how blessed and priviliged I have it in Canada and in the community I live in. Yes, I have always known I am blessed to have a house, food, clothes, an education and an income... however, what about the choice of love? Although I am no where near being in love right now, I still have that option of wanting to get married for that reason. When I explained to her that I was not dating anyone and did not plan on getting married and having kids for a while, she just looked at me and said, "ah... you have freedom." At first thought, I was reminded of the jokes I have with some of my girlfriends about how being single is great because I have all the freedom in the world to go where I want to go and do what I want to do for this period in my life. However, she meant it as actual freedom... the ability to choose what I want in my life.
I was holding in tears the entire conversation, as well as through dinner (rice and cabbage) and again when they were saying good night to their new 'daughter.' As soon as my door locked and I sat on my bed, everything just poured out. I miss my house. I miss my bed. I miss my clothes and a warm shower. I miss an indoor bathroom. I miss my real mama so much. I miss my dad and my sisters. I miss the familiar and I miss you all. My 'little sister', Kelia, has been showering me with hugs since I entered the house... but it's not the same. What I would give and do to get a hug from a real friend and a real family member at home.
Before I fell asleep, I had to go outside and brush my teeth. As I was brushing, I looked up at the sky and saw the stars. Mmmmm how the stars warm my heart. It was a nice answer to a heart-felt prayer. Looking at the stars I felt, for a split second, like I was once again laying on my playhouse roof in my backyard, stargazing with the ones I love. The stars look very similar here as they do at home since it is very cloudy here. There are many of them and they are glorious. I thank God for the amazing beauty that He created for us to look at. I thank Him even more for giving me that quick taste of home when I was so desparate to feel it.
I have so much more to say to you, my dear friends, but for now, I leave you with this blog post. Perhaps in the future blogs I'll go into detail about my cave exploring, visiting the Rwandan hospital for another girl here, and getting Kinyarwanda lessons from a prisoner at the prison down the road from me. However, for now, I ask you to pray for peace and comfort for me, and that I will get past these initial fears and wantings to come home. I have been given an amazing opportunity to come here... I chose to be here. I pray that I can make the most of it.
I love you all and miss you very much
-Stephanie
My dear and beautiful Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteEvery day I think of you. Today, I had the chance to use the Internet and as I was checking my facebook, i stumbled upon your blog. What a wonderfl joy!! As i´m sitting here right now, i hold my tears. I feel every word, every move, and imagine you there in Rwanda and here with me. It is so wonderful to have a glimpse of your experience in Rwanda.
Your words fill me with grace especallly when you said, Ï thank God for the amazing beauty that He created for all of us to see¨touched my soul hermana hermosa. just a few days ago i experienced a similar situation where i was longing to be held and kissed by my family and dear friends. As I went ouside to brush my teeth..i looked up and to my surprise i felt the stars kissing me and hugging me. oh the stars!! the glorious starts!! truly mesmorizing, hipnotized me with their beauty and reminded me how beautiful God is to have placed me where i am today. How fortunate we are all to be where we are and to live with others and learned that although we live in one world, life is much different for others. Your family reminds me about my family here in Ecuador. I was so shocked and flled with sadness when i learned that my mama Erlinda got pregnant when she was only 15 years old and now a 28 year old mami (the same age as my older sister) with two incredible children works so hard, i cant even come to explain how hard she and her husband work to survive. Their whole lives have passed by and every day es una lucha constante (constant fight) to make it through. Then, i see myself almost a 20 year old woman whose life is not nearly as hard as theirs. Then i asked why? why so much suffering? why they didnt have a choice? A choice to love and not be forced to get married. The choice that you and I have. But when all these thoughts come to mind, a light shines through and that is God´s love that fills me with peace and reminds me that we all have to live differently to learn from others, but to always be humble in everything that we do. your family and my family are an example of that. Through them we learn. hermana (sister) next time you see the stars, think of all of us smiling and giving you the biggest of the biggest hug! I love you very much. There is so much i want to say and write and i know that our hearts will meet soon s that we can relive together our journeys in two different parts of the world. It is so crazy we are both so far and yet our experiences similar. Thank you for sharing with all of us :) we feel it together!! exhale, enchant... TE AMO, God Bless You and always take good care of yourself. My smile is soo big that it hurst my mouth i hope yours too :P